Some Place Else

The other night I met my friend's little one. He is two weeks old but 8 weeks too early.

INCREDIBLE.

Incredible that he is here so early.

Incredible that he was supposed to be some place else - deep inside the warmth of his mother's belly.

He seems too big to be inside anyone's belly. And too small to be out of his mother's belly.

He was asleep for almost the whole time we were there. [Himself] held him in his arms and I remember thinking "Not once does your hugeness make this slip of a thing look fragile." Instead, both [Himself] and this 8 weeks early boy looked perfect.

Towards the end he opened his eyes. He looked around a bit. I thought of his eyes, they have only been used for two weeks, and they are 8 weeks early. They are almost brand new. they are supposed to be closed in some place else for another two weeks. Does he feel it's better here or back there where it was warm and his little body and his eyes didn't have to work so hard. What is he thinking, I feel he is thinking - but what is it? Is he thinking he is supposed to be some place else; with no vocabulary, no way of interpreting the unidentifiable things, sounds, sights around him, no way of sense-making. Because its too new, too soon. Because he is supposed to be some place else. Only he is here now. And there is no going back.

Today I feel exactly like that.

Last night I foolishly - but it was necessary - opened a Pandora's box that opened my eyes. I sit now, without the vocabulary to express what is. No way of interpreting things that before were so well-known to me and now seem alien and strange. Nothing makes sense. Beliefs I held now lie ruined, meaningless at my feet.

I want to scream: I wasn't ready!! And I wonder maybe, just maybe, I ought to be some place else. Only I am here now. And there is no going back.